Lessons on grief that I Learned from my Dog

 

 

Grief is a hard journey to go through. Many people avoid grieving friends because of their feelings of uncertainty on what to say and do. Simple tips to do for your grieving friend or relative are reflected in lessons learned from our golden retriever, Lucy. Lovable Lucy does the following deeds and we would do well to take heed:

 

• Live and love hard with your grieving friend
• Care deeply, bark only when absolutely necessary
• Greet your grieving friend with utmost love at the door
• Run, check everything out and play simply everyday together
• Be loyal to your loved one but also be kind to yourself.
• When your grieving friend is having a bad day, be silent, sit close and nuzzle them gently

Lucy says that the bereaved should do the following:

• Thrive on the attention and let people care for you
• Rest and take care of yourself, Stop when you have had enough
• Remember grief has its own time frame. You will take two paws forward and one paw back. Things don’t happen overnight.
• Loosen your collar and know that you can travel this grief journey in your own individual way. There are no absolutes and right way.

 

Lucy also shares that her owner, Elizabeth A. Fain has written a book titled: Good Grief: A Caremap for the Grief Journey. This book is written with many facts, tips and specific suggestions for both the bereaved and friends and families of the bereaved. This insightful perspective informs, encourages and facilitates healing for all readers.

 

 

 

What is your love language?

Best selling author, Dr. Gary Chapman has written a book on love languages. Before you scoff at the reality of  whether this concept really exists. Consider that this concept has been researched and applied for all ages and types of relationships. It has also been a best seller in multiple translations. In case you are not familiar with the 5 love languages, they are:

1) Words of affirmation- compliments or praise that is written or verbal

2) Quality time-giving someone undivided attention

3) Gifts- that says to the recipient that you were thinking about them

4) Acts of service- says that action speaks louder than words to them

5)Physical touch-hugs, kisses, back rub or pats to them.

When you speak to them in their love language the impact is greater than if you do not speak in their love language. A prime example of this is when my husband gave me flowers early in our marriage, I couldn’t figure out why I did not get as excited as everyone else did. It was not until much later that I realized that gifts was not my love language which explained why I felt so empty. Well if love languages are important in daily relationships then it stands to logic that love languages are even more important when an individual is experiencing grief or some other type of hardship. In the book, Good Grief: A Care map for the grief journey the application of the love languages are discussed for the various stages of grief. It was this realization that enlightened me and helped me through my personal grief journey as I realized how few people understood grief and how to encourage others through their grief journey. Even though we don’t like grief or pain we ALL will experience it some day. It is a journey that as we travel through it, we will develop a deeper trust and faith with friends, family members and God. I hope you will add encouraging the bereaved to your repertoire. You will be surprised how Blessed you will be.

Good Grief: A Caremap for the Grief Journey

Do you know what grief is? Really do you? Do you know how to use the five love languages for someone that is grieving? check out the book, Good Grief: A Caremap for the Grief Journey available through Jebaire Publishing Company

How would you rate your pain?

Pain, stress, and grief all cause us emotional and physical distress. There are several types of pain scales to rate how intense the physical pain is that we feel. There is a number scale of rating pain from zero to ten with ten being the worst pain. The Wong- Baker Faces Pain scale utilizes different facial expressions to rate pain. This scale is often used with children or others who may have difficulty with quantifying their pain level.

We all have different pain thresholds but yet it is a universally understood concept. While there are unique characteristics for our physical and emotional responses to pain, stress and grief; there are some misnomers about grief and some common denominators. Grief is all consuming beyond physical pain. The impact is far reaching which is difficult for others to understand if they have not experienced grief to any level. It is this decreased awareness from others that compounds the feelings of grief and anguish for the bereaved. If there were a face grief scale then the picture would be magnified with tears and a frown that consumed the whole body and not just the face. It was the shock of this consumption over my whole body that both alarmed and worried me. As a result of my personal journey experiencing grief on several levels that I have written Good Grief: A Caremap for the Grief Journey.

Good Grief was written as a response to a call from God to share with others that there can be joy after mourning. This book also shares many poignant insights that I learned as a result of God’s powerful love and grace.

Take a fish or learn how to fish

As a child I learned early on how to be self-sufficient, independent and strong willed. Part of this lesson included learning early about the difference of knowing how to do something versus relying on someone else to do the task. This reminds me of the Chinese Proverb, “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.” Both of my parents were talented in many areas from mechanics, carpentry, gardening, sewing, knitting, cooking, crafts, farming among others. As I pursued occupational therapy this enabled me to utilize my love of occupation or the active process of living: from the beginning to the end of life. Occupation includes the routine activities that we complete in a day and that we tend to take for granted until we can no longer do them.

One task that I was ready to do but got derailed on was when I had a lump removed from my breast. I was told to not drive for six weeks. Upon resuming driving I was amazed at the liberating freedom. As I work with clients with varying disabilities this reminder came back to me time and time again. Sure enough for the clients they verbalized this invigorating feeling of being able to perform basic tasks again after a traumatic injury or illness.

However, it is not just individuals with injuries or illnesses that need to learn how to be self-sufficient, rather all of us need to. However, how many of us rely on others to do tasks for us? I was reminded of this as I knitted several “sassy” sweaters over the recent break. The positive compliments were plentiful with pleas for me to knit them one. My reply was: “ I will teach you how to knit. It is very easy.” No takers on the lessons yet. They didn’t know that this teach you how to fish principle was very engrained in me as an individual but also as an occupational therapist.

 

Where is this road leading to?

Where does this road lead to?

We all wander aimlessly at times. Sometimes we stop to ponder where are we going and what are we achieving? With the recent transition from clinical practice to education I had begun to wonder that very thing. You see, in the field of rehabilitation you see the progress and results right before your eyes. A person recovering from a stroke can feed him or herself for the first time since you, the therapist instructed them on techniques and provided an adapted fork. However, as an educator, you can’t see the results so clearly nor are they appreciated at the same depth. This reflection led to a self- questioning process, “Am I making a difference?” “Am I fulfilling my God given purpose?”.

As I asked these questions I started reading my Bible and read the following scripture.Micah 5:4,5. And He shall stand & feed His flock in the strength of the Lord, in the majesty of the name of the Lord His God & they shall abide for now. He shall be great to the ends of the earth: and this One shall be peace. The commentary said this is a reminder that your smallest action frequently carries eternal significance. The care  you give for your family members, students, or coworkers will impact the way they treat others which will in turn  impact the way they treat their families, students, and coworkers. I realized that through  my teaching 30 students about giving compassionate ethical care I was having a greater impact than I could have possibly had on one patient at a time. One can change this world for or against Jesus through small-by-God’s Word significance.  I said wow God & thanks for reminding me that, Yes I am making a difference. But sing to me. My soul still felt heavy & I wanted God to sing to me.

Still searching for a peace for my heavy heart,  I opened the Book that I had just checked out from my church library, ” Feathers from My Nest” by Beth Moore. At the top of the page it said God holds on no matter what, even when He sings over us!!!! Zephaniah 3:17 God sung to me. Now lest you are thinking that there was no audible singing, realize that often I don’t hear the words as they are sung because of my hearing impairment. To compensate I read the words on the vocalist’s lips to know what the words of the song are. So here I am reading God’s words for the song that HE is singing to me! God does have a sense of humor! Where is your road going?

The Balancing Act of Godly Pride

Lately God has blessed me with several projects/endeavors coming to full fruition. As I shared the news; I got mixed responses; some were sheer pride, disinterest, or distain. My husband kindly shared his perspective that perhaps they thought I was bragging too much or that they were jealous. Several thoughts went through my mind.  I thought it doesn’t matter what their perspective was.  I needed to know what God says about this. I already knew that God hates pride and this scripture reverberated through my mind. Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. Proverbs 16:18 I did not want to be in error of my understanding of what is pride, or what is acceptable.

Let’s explore what pride is and isn’t; especially since none of us like to be around arrogant people. All  arrogant people  can do is talk about themselves. It is also common that we can see pride in others and are the last to see it in ourselves. The dictionary definition of pride is an excessively high opinion of oneself.  Conceit is too high. an  opinion  of  one’s  abilities,  worth,  or personality;  vanity.  An arrogant person is overly convinced of one’s own importance; overbearingly proud; haughty. The Bible uses the word pride as substituting our own authority, our plan, our greatness, and our human goodness in place of God’s.  The proud person looks at himself differently than God looks at him. Pride is a mental attitude sin and was first introduced by satan, which caused him to be cast out of heaven. So as you can see having ungodly pride is quite serious. When you take yourself too seriously you are proud. (Rom 12.3)

So my next question was can we be proud of work that we have done or completed and exhibit Godly pride? According to C.S. Lewis “While there is no call for being prideful about ourselves, there is a desperate need for us Christians to take pride in our work. God not only wants us to do good works, he wants us to do good work. When our Lord made wine from water, it was so good that even the wedding director felt the need to comment. Unfortunately, in most churches we have confused sinful pride about ourselves with godly pride in the work we are called to do. Why do so many Christians suffer through church programs that are sincerely awful? Because so many churches fear that striving for excellence would lead us into pride. They avoid that temptation by settling for mediocrity. Our Lord of course strikes the right balance. He made the best wine, but used it as a “sign” (which is what John’s gospel calls it) that God’s kingdom was coming in its fullness. Outstanding work is a signpost pointing to God because it manifests the goodness and overflowing excellence of God’s kingdom. Joe Namath was not at his best as a theologian when he said, “It’s not bragging if you can do it.” The fact is, it’s not bragging if you give God the credit—not just in public, but in your heart of hearts. Excellence and achievement don’t give us bragging rights against others. Instead, Paul’s command guides us: “let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.” We have reason to be proud of what we do in the high calling of our daily work, and reason to be humble, since it is God “who works in us both to will and to work” (Phil. 2:13) (retrieved from: www.thehighcalling.org)

So as I come away with a clearer understanding that pride is really a heart issue and whom you give the credit to. Remember after all if it weren’t for God you wouldn’t even be around to do anything in the first place. Talk about giving credit where credit is due. If you happen to feel convicted about pride you may be asking, “what do I do to conquer pride?” The solution is that the believer does not conquer pride. The Holy Spirit, who uses Bible doctrine, conquers pride through His work inside the believer  (Gal 5.16; Phil 2.13; 2 Tim 3.16-17; Heb 4.12). The Holy Spirit and a daily abiding relationship with the Lord create growth and a deeper understanding of humility and dependence on God.

In summary God wants us to be humble because when we are prideful we trust in ourselves. A prideful person believes that he or she can earn salvation or accomplish anything they want. Prideful people believe that they will work their way up to God. Prideful people are only concerned with the Ten Commandments and have a tendency to put people down because of rules they have not followed. Usually these rules are traditional and taken out of context. A person that is humble doesn’t waste time working their way up to God they understand that God reached down to us. A humble person does not trust in themselves or chariots and horses but submits himself or herself to the will of God. A humble person understands that salvation is not earned nor is it based on the amount of work we do. Salvation is a gift from God because he loved the world.

In conclusion pride is dangerous because it says to the world that you aren’t good enough. Prideful people will promote a belief system that says if you don’t eat a certain way then God will not accept you. Pride says if you don’t witness Christ a certain way then you will not be accepted into heaven. Pride says you will not be accepted into heaven because you were not chosen like we are. God has called us all but only the ones who answer the call will be chosen.